Toxic Waste 'not that bad' according to NIEA

In a statement that may have startled some environmentalists and people who like to jump on bandwagons the Northern Ireland Environment Agency has today stated that toxic waste actually isn't all that bad.

Justin Bieber, just one of the many forms of toxic waste produced by man.

A research associate from the NIEA who wished to remain anonymous was in touch with WNN Environmental Correspondent Dirk Manly (WNN is understaffed at the moment) to give an interview that was both eye opening and slightly boring.

"People tend to overreact when they hear words like 'toxic', 'carcinogenic', and 'devastating to life as we know it'. It's not like this stuff is ever really going to harm us, it's the future generations that in theory have to worry but they'll probably have realized that our toxic waste makes great fuel in the same way that we realized dinosaur urine was a great way to fuel your car."

Detractors to the NIEA findings state that the associate 'lacks plausible evidence to support her theories' and 'does she actually know anything about science?', and a spokes person for BP has stated, "I did media studies in Uni not geology but even I know that hydrocarbons aren't dinosaur piss, are you sure this person isn't clinically retarded?"

The associate replied with, "The evidence is in nature around us, if what we were pumping out was 'that' deadly then surely we'd have wiped out all life on Earth by now. Really all we are doing is giving back to nature what we took from it."

Giving back to nature that which we took from her.

James Lovelock, author and inventor of The Gaia Hypothosis has told us, "Look, everything in this world is interconnected, all life and all actions are linked not like a giant machine but like one single lifeform, when one part gets sick the rest functions around it as the body tries to heal. Perhaps this process may be violent but the system will once again find balance, that is the nature of Gaia. That being said, I'm not sure if you have found a credible source. Are you sure this person isn't a graduate of literature or something equally as useless?"

Gaia, the Earth is surprisingly erotic...

The NIEA were unavailable for comment as they claimed to be 'up to their eyeballs in the waste compliance scheme', a yearly process required to be fulfilled by businesses that whilst not generating any useful savings or reduction in environmental impact does cost businesses money and generate a huge paper trail.

Climate Change: Fermanagh braces itself for sunny day

A typical summer's day in Enniskillen.

In sweeping fears that the climate of the earth has taken a turn for the dramatically worse climatologists are predicting that some time between April and September of 2011 the lake lands county, Fermanagh, may see it's first day of sunlight since records began.

It has long been theorized by paleoclimatologists that sometime in the late Cretaceous Period there was at least a seven hour period when the weather over Fermanagh could be classed as 'slightly overcast but pleasant'. It is believed that this was caused by the cataclysmic events that wiped out the dinosaurs.

Artist's impression of the last sunny day in Fermanagh.

Recent fears have been sparked by former US Presidential candidate Al Gore's sweeping but somewhat factually questionable piece 'An Inconvenient Truth', itself inspired by the detailed scientific documentary expose and Hollywood blockbuster 'The Day After Tomorrow'.

Vice President Gore explaining climate change.

Northern Ireland Water has issued alerts that an emergency hosepipe ban may go into effect across the county if sunlight does break through the cloud cover, homeowners have been urged to store water in sealed drums as the light could last for hours at a time.

"Above all, we must not panic." NIW acting chief executive Trevor Haslett said to WNN, "The dams took no time at all to refill in Fermanagh thanks to the unique climate there, so much so that we have even been diverting water to outlying counties to aid in getting our supplies back up to capacity after the issues over the Christmas 2010 period. We are quite confident that should the clouds break we will have more than enough water to see us through until at least the early evening. After that it may be necessary for locals to drink their own urine, but we can assure you it is sterile."

When questioned about whether or not NIW was prepared for a feared second day of sun in Fermanagh Mr Haslett scoffed that we shouldn't talk nonsense and refused to answer further questions.

The main concern is that should the water levels of the Fermanagh lakes lower the county will grind to a halt as vehicles begin to scrape the roads beneath the water. Few people in the county own cars anymore unless their business takes them to neighbouring Tyrone or Armagh.

Road Service employees fear that they may have to put in a day's work if the roads actually become visible again.

Ulsterbus have recently been caught testing their new 'FermanaghBus' in Belfast Lough, and may be forced to rush the device into production much sooner than anticipated.

Ulsterbus' new 'FermanaghBus' on trial.